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6 years ago this month, I was leaving my work before getting married and moving to different state/country. The plan at that time was to move for 6 months to Bandung, Indonesia then settle in Sunshine Coast, Australia.

I remember one of the managers told me, “Jess, people would usually manage 1 or 2 changes in their life. But you’re braving 3! Change of relationship, change of work and change of house. I wish you all the luck in the world.”

I also remember how his words strucked me, thinking that I must be crazy for doing this to myself. Yet I always felt peace during those days. Deep down I knew that I made the right decision.

6 years on, a lot of things had happened. Some are the things we had planned to: having kids, buying house. God’s grace allowed us to achieve those. Other things are beyond our imagination: moving to Manila. Never once it cross my mind to visit the Philippines, let alone live here.

However here I am. On the same month, 6 years after I packed my Australian life, I’m getting ready to go to Bandung once again.

Life with God surely is adventure. I’m looking forward to the next chapter of our life.
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” 1 Corinthians 2:9, NLT

And because he’s easily distracted by new sights, I positioned myself at the back of the swing where he couldn’t see me. Hillsong’s songs were playing in the background as I watched him furiously looking for the source of the noise. Our helper walked past in front of him and his eyes were following her move.

He yawned a few times but his eyes were still alert, looking to his right side. Quietly I moved to his left side and sit there watching him. He was so busy looking at whatever caught his sight and didn’t realize that I was right beside him. He yawned few more times and I could see that he got frustrated that he couldn’t fell asleep. So I moved to the front, hoping that he would notice my presence and that he would calm down. But he’s still in his own world and it was clear that he’s tired and frustrated by now.

I called him and he answered with crying. He was so glad that someone finally attended him that he starting to stop crying. I lifted him up, rocked him to bed and he was asleep within minutes.

Looking at my baby’s behaviour, I realized that I sometimes behave like him towards God. Too often I become so focus on my own world and forget about God. And like always, God never leave. He’s always there, waiting for me to turn my head back to him. I realized that when I had my baby, I became so focus on him and got overwhelmed by being a mom. I started neglecting praying time, let alone quiet time with God. My baby has become the centre of my world.

I feel that when I became a mom, my life is a whirlwind. No routine, no space for expectation and most of the time there’s no way out. As much as I love my baby, at times I got burned out. And my baby could feel that his mami wasn’t right which caused him to act up and that would make me even more tired. I became like my baby, tired and frustrated. I forgot that someone is there to renew my strength and joy.

Psalm 73:26 says, “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” I’ve experienced this truth many times in my previous seasons. Going through this new season of my life, I want to reclaim it. Even though it’s hard to do (where does time go?!), I need to refocus my life to God daily. I know for sure that the same strength and joy that had carried me through the past will sustain me in this new motherhood season.

week 37: last pregnancy photo

Hello hello! Finally got time to finish this post! I haven’t been that occupied but writing a blog post needs continuity and when you’re having a newborn, continuous free time is sooo precious that you better dash to bed. Or like now, I’m writing this while holding my baby on the other arm. Having a baby teaches you to do things one handed. Haha.

On 27 July 2014, or 8 days before the due date, my little man decided that he had spent enough time in my tummy! Such a surprise for us but apparently he wants to share the same birthday with my granddad who passed away early last year.

We gladly welcomed Nathanael Judah Phodiansa; measured at 48 cm long, weighted 2720 grams and had a head circumference of 32 cm. And I’m happy to say that both the bub and I had quick recovery after the labour.

hello from the 3 of us!

I’d like to thank Phodi who never left my side during the whole process, the nurses who were extremely supportive, my parents & brother who came straight away to Bandung, my aunt who was with us when my parents haven’t arrived and everyone who prayed for us. THANK YOU!

So here’s Nathanael’s birth story… and of course, Phodi made a video to capture the day. Don’t worry, any bloody detail has been completely omitted. Enjoy!

Saturday, 26 July 2014

11.45

Half asleep, went to the toilet and “Oops, did I just pee again?! Eh, why do I keep leaking? Ooohhh… this MIGHT be THE water! Wake up Phodi dear, grab our hospital bag and let’s go!”

Sunday, 27 July 2014

00.05

Arrived at the maternity ward, getting checked by 2 nurses and being connected to the CTG scan. Irregular contractions were captured by the CTG scan but I didn’t feel any contraction yet and no cervix dilation yet. I was as happy as a bee while Phodi was calling our parents to let them know that we’re in the business.

Checking in at the hospital

00.45

Being transferred to room 204, waiting for this baby to make his next move. Half sleepy (hey, I was in bed!), 2 of my aunts who happened to be in Bandung came to visit and told me to get some rest while I could. So I tried to sleep and later invited Phodi to came to bed with me. He snored straight away while I did my best to doze off. There was no pain just yet but the excitement was too hard to contain.

Enjoying my fave chocolate sandwich. Still no pain.

03.00

Gosh… someone was moaning every few minutes and interrupting my sleep nap. Oh actually, would I sound the same later?

04.05

4 hours on. A nurse came to check on my dilation and good news, 1 cm dilation. Haha. She came back 10 minutes later and told us that the doctor recommended me to be induced because my water has broken and we had to have this baby within 18 hours. Being totally unaware of what could happen with induction, I asked for more information. After being told that the success rate of induction is 50%, I asked for 2 more hours before I made any decision.

06.10

Still no regular contraction and I could easily manage the pain through breathing. Phodi asked me if I had made my mind. In a way he “pushed” me to do it so we could progress this labour. After considering that this baby should go out regardless how, I decided to go with induction. The nurse set up the induction and set the drip to 70.

Induction started!

07.00

My parents and brother arrived at the hospital. At this stage the pain was real. Breathing technique? What breathing technique!!

08.20

I was so desperate waiting for the nurse to come and check on my dilation. I scolded Phodi for not pushing the nurse hard enough to check in. The nurse finally came and said that it’s now 2 cm. Whoaaa… 2 hours on and only 1 cm progress?! I asked for epidural and was denied because it’s too soon as I need to be at least 4 cm dilated.

I started considering having C-section but the nurses were really determined to talk me out of it. They kept saying things like, “Are you sure, Ma’am? If you’re going through C-section then you’ll spend a day in bed. But if you go through natural birth, you’ll only need 6 hours to recover.”

09.00

I couldn’t take it any longer! I asked for C-section and I wanted it now! Phodi, my parents and my aunt prayed over myself so I could make the right decision. Phodi then requested to talk personally with me regarding my decision. A decision that was never in our conversation, let alone an option that I would consider. By that time though, I was so over the process that I just wanted the baby to come out immediately!

A nurse came with a surgery agreement for Phodi to sign. Phodi was reading the paper when another nurse came in and said, “Just to make sure, let me check your dilation.” and this was what happened in the next hour;

Nurse A (while checking for dilation): “Oh, it’s on 4 now.”

Me (while “managing the pain”): “Ok, I want epidural and I want it now!”

Nurse B: “I’ll see if there’s any anaesthetic doctor available.”

Nurse A (while still in ‘it’): “Actually I can feel the head. It’s actually 7-8 now.”

Phodi: “Eh, are you sure? So how long can we expect?”

Nurse A: “Usually it takes an hour for 1 additional dilation.”

Phodi: “Jess, can you wait another 2 hours?”

Me: “I’ll die if I have to wait for 2 hours!! Go pray so this baby will come out in 30 minutes!”

Phodi (sounded unsure): “Ok, let’s pray.”

…. I can’t even remember if Phodi actually prayed… Haha.

Me: “Okay, I need to poop now! Like now!”

My aunt: “Are you sure? Are you really sure?”

Me: “I need to poop NOW!”

My parents & aunt rushed to call the nurse. Within minutes I was transferred to another bed and a nurse told me to keep breathing and hold pushing. How on earth did I know which one was pushing? Amazingly though, once I was fully dilated the pain went away – puff! – just like that. In between the chaos, I heard someone saying that the doctor was still on the way.

Few minutes in the labour room, my doctor came in a rush, put on his apron, ordered the nurse to get into position, ordered Phodi to hold my right leg (remember my dislocated shoulder?) and started the process. Game on!!

I barely remember what happened next but I remember that pushing the baby out was easy and painless. And I remember the doctor said that he could see the head and Phodi shouted that he could also see the baby’s head. Then another push before we hear the baby’s cries. Such a relief! A nurse then cleaned the baby and put him on my chest. I was so sleepy by then that I was half asleep as the baby was doing the breast crawl (IMD / Inisiasi Menyusui Dini) and as the doctor was fixing my tears down there.

holding my baby for the first time <3

I’m forever grateful that God has taken care of us during the labour. When I gave up, God sped up the process that even the nurses were amazed. Phodi later said that when I told him to pray for 30 minutes, he thought that I was going gaga because you know, my request was way too far. But after that day, we’re reminded that God will give you the best even if it’s on the eleventh hour. After all, He has promised to make everything beautiful in its time

Week 29 – a day before the accident

Monday, 19 May 2014

That morning I woke up earlier than usual because my right shoulder blade was awfully painful. That has happened several times in the last few days and I thought that’s probably because I haven’t done any exercise. So I decided to woke up and was getting ready for my yoga routine before suddenly I sneezed and my biggest nightmare happened! My old enemy – dislocated right shoulder – came back. For those who aren’t familiar with joint dislocation, read more about it here.

A quick recap with this old enemy of mine, I first had it during a volley game back in high school. Since then I’ve had another 5 accidents (either Jakarta & Melbourne) happened due to various reasons. However none was as bizarre as this last one. A sneeze, a small sneeze after I woke up.

See, I haven’t got this condition in the last 4 years so I kinda forget all about it and I can assure you that I don’t miss it even for a sec. The pain that comes with each dislocation is one of the most excruciating pain that one can experience. So that morning, I screamed for Phodi (who was still half asleep in bed) and we decided to go to the hospital. Poor Phodi, he has never experienced this and I truly wish that he will never again!

As soon as we arrived in the hospital, I was praying hard that the doctor has dealt with this kind of issue before. Unfortunately for us, the doctor wasn’t the best one out there. It was a 4 times trial before he finally popped my shoulder back in and it was so painful. Somehow I remember the breathing for labour pain management video that I watched the other day so I decided to give it a go. Hahaha… a practice for labour perhaps?

After the shoulder was back in, we had another worry about the baby. Poor baby has to dealt with mommy’s stress in the early morning! I guess it wasn’t a coincidence that we had an obgyn appointment that morning. Straight after being discharged from the ER, we went to our obgyn. As a bonus from the ER, I had my right arm & shoulder being bandaged – mummy style. So imagine this, a preggo in pyjamas with a bandaged shoulder & arm.. Surely attracting everyone’s attention. Too bad I didn’t have any picture of myself in that “outfit” though.

So we went in to see the baby and he’s a healthy 1,492 kg baby boy. Praise God!

And because the baby’s healthy, I had clearance to fly and attend my brother’s graduation in Malaysia. Hooray!

What also seemed to be a coincidence, we were planning to travel to Jakarta that very day because Phodi would travel to Manila the next day. Meaning, I would be able to visit the sinshe (Chinese doctor) who used to deal with my shoulder. He’s actually also a bone and injury recovery specialist. So I was able to visit him on Tuesday and he suggested me to wear an arm sling for 2 weeks because I must have torn quite a lot of muscles. The sling was to prevent me from using my right shoulder too much (or do any movement above the head).

This is how I see everything that happened in the last few weeks. God has planned everything and surely, everything happens in its time.

1. Although it happened in Bandung, where we know no-one who can fix it quickly and efficiently, I’m forever glad that Phodi was with me. That it didn’t happen when I was alone.
2. Thankful that we had an obgyn appointment that day so we could check on the baby straight away.
3. Grateful that it happened just before we left Bandung for our 2 weeks trip. I can’t imagine not being able to do anything at home such as cooking or washing the dishes or even to tie my hair! Being at my parents’ and going on trip meaning I have someone else to help me doing things that I couldn’t do.
4. Each pregnancy has its own ups and downs, and one of my downs is probably this (the other down is this). I didn’t have any morning sickness, never had any craving and my back pain gone right away after I did yoga. So yes, this is pregnancy’s-down-moment story.

Just like every single time after my shoulder dislocated, I have this fear that it will happen again. The thought of the pain and being so helpless get me each time and somewhat my fear become so unreasonable. I have to admit that this time the fear was even bigger because I’m having a baby soon! I want to be able to hold him and nurse him, and not having the stress that my shoulder would fail me to do so. And talking to people, with all their unknown, just made me stress even more. I had some people saying “Oh, you shouldn’t carry your baby. You might drop him if your shoulder is dislocated again.”

Of course those crossed my mind and in my hopelessness, I could only pray that God will be even more gracious to us. That the muscles covering my shoulder are strong again so my shoulder will stay in its place. Also that the three of us will be healthy and safe