Forgiveness: I need it for me

Sep 16, 2013 by Jessica

This word came to mind last week as I watched a National Geographic series on 9/11, the attack on the Twin Towers in New York, USA on 9 September 2001. It must have been painful for many people who were directly affected by the tragedy; losing friends, family members, colleagues or others who lived in that city knowing that people around them were having such a hard time.

I have never experienced such pain and I don’t know anyone who was related to the event so I won’t continue talking about it. When I think about my experience in dealing with pain, my mind would straight away fly to my early uni year. I was torn apart by a relationship I was in, with a boy who obviously didn’t turn out to be the one. I was so blinded by lust that I stayed in the relationship for some months although it was against everything that I believed in. There were moments when I knew that the relationship wouldn’t go far but I was already chained to it.

When the relationship ended, my life was crushed. I’ve never been a hyperbolic and I’m still not one but at that point I understood the pain and feeling of a broken heart. The pain was so great and I can remember clearly that I have never shed that much tears in my life for anything. Days gone by and nothing changed as I did nothing differently. I mourned and pitied myself for what had happened and blaming myself for being so stupid.

A week gone by and somehow in my heart there’s an urge to speak forgiveness on that boy and more importantly, for myself. I didn’t understand it at first as I said I have forgiven him but apparently deep inside my heart still held a grudge towards him. Not wanting to cry some more, I decided not to meet him directly but instead I would deal with it through prayer. I was wrong though because as I spoke the words of forgiveness, tears flowing down my cheeks and I was like a hungry baby.

Then there was this feeling to forgive myself. I thought it was silly! How could to forgive myself as this is me and I should understand me and know all the consequences of my own decisions. The little voice in my mind again told me to say: Jessica, I forgive you. Desperate and tired of the heavy burden I’ve been having in the past week, I finally told myself that I forgive me. Nothing more to lose and nothing worse could happen, I thought. Apparently what happened was so amazing. I had more tears but it wasn’t a tears of sadness and regret but tears of relieve and gladness.

The forgiveness I gave myself was more than just words, it was a healing process. I acknowledged that I made stupid mistakes and decisions in the past but I told myself that a new beginning has started and I had to make the decision to step forward with it. I remembered that long time ago, my God has died for me and forgiven my sins so I have no reason to keep blaming myself.

There are times in life when we feel disappointed; people betrays, our inability to achieve a goal, others’ high expectation upon us, but remember this, the only way to keep moving forward is to accept ourselves and speak forgiveness. Speak forgiveness towards others but more importantly, learn to forgive yourself.